There are only a few things in life worth being truly diligent about. Creating and selling a computer program, in and of itself, isn't one of them.
Being a good husband, that's one of them. Being a good father and son, that's one of them. Giving time for the things you most care about, that's one of them. So what is my purpose in this particular quest?
I figure that I'll be finishing up here at UNM in something like 3 years. By that time if we are pretty blessed we could have a couple more kids, leaving a family of 8: two parents and 6 kids. Kate will be 9, and the youngest might be a newborn. What would we do after that?
The typical route that a PhD in science points to is first a post doc (or a few post docs!) and then a somewhat permanent position somewhere, possibly in academics, possibly in government. The post doc could be fun. Some of the best places to go in my field are college towns in Australia, Canada, France, and the UK. Maybe I'll do that just for the experience. But the real question comes after that. What do I want to do for the rest of my life.
At that point there is a decision. My education is so specialized that the places in the world where it could be well-used are pretty limited in number. Do I want our family to follow my work around wherever it might take them? That's one question.
Another question is do I want work in the traditional sense. I struggled for about 6 years trying to decide what I wanted to do professionally. Maybe the struggle is over, maybe not. Time will tell. But what I have come to believe more and more is that I want to steer my own course. I want to control the rudder and follow the ideas and dreams that come as they come. I want to have a job not because some employer wants to give it to me but because I created a job. I created something of value and got it out there to people who wanted it enough to pay for it. It's the independence. But not only the independence. It's the potential to create. And not only to create, but to create something that will have a positive impact on this little world.
So after years of not knowing what I want I think that I can now say that I know what I want. Now I have to figure out how to get it in a way that will be consistent with my current roles and responsibilities and loves. That is what this whole thing is about: it is about making the future that I dream of a possibility.
From where I sit it seems like a no-lose proposition. At the worst I will have created a toy business and a product that no one values enough to buy. But I will have learned some valuable skills in the process of failing, and maybe the next attempt wouldn't fail as badly. (Actually my biggest fear is worse than that. It is that I will have missed an opportunity to do something more important, more salient, because I will not be in tune. How to avoid that I am not sure except try to be listening.) At the best when the time comes to graduate I will be in a position to give full time to the endeavor and perhaps in a position to exit or to gradually move things over into an area that will impact something that seems to matter a lot. Like better health care for less cost. Or like keeping this world as beautiful as possible. Or like helping a lot of people to realize their dreams and potentials. (What would be really cool, too, is if we could buy a home near our families with a nice back yard for the kids to play in.)
Anyway, that's a little bit on the why of this all from the big picture perspective. At the same time the project is challenging, interesting, engaging, and generally fun. When short term challenge/enjoyment/fun matches long term dreams and aspirations I think it is time to get excited. And I am.
Goodnight.
