Freedom, self control, and a baby
Setting the goal: A couple of weeks ago I had a talk with one of my advisers. I told him my concern, which was that it would be very easy to pass two years here and at the end realize that I am no closer to completing my PhD than I am now. What could I do, I asked, to make sure that didn't happen?
He wasn't sure of all of what needed to be done but he did have one suggestion. He suggested that I start writing papers.
So I'm going to do that. I struggled for a bit to get going until Monday the 9th. At that point I committed to try an experiment, which would be to write one page of scientific article each weekday for one month. (Actually, the goal is a bit more complicated than that--after a point I can spend time on figures and referrences and formatting for submission instead of on writing pages.) And I did it every day that week, just by adopting the rule that I wouldn't do anything else (even check email etc.) until I had finished each day.
Not keeping it, and the excuses were sane: The next Monday (two days ago) Gina had to go to the hospital at 10:00. As far as we knew the most likely scenarios were C-section or induction and we would be parents that day or the next. Anyway, with the large event impending I decided the day before that I would forgo Monday's page. Gina prompted me and tried to help me write but since I had made the decision to let myself go I didn't write. After a lot of time spent doing little extras to prepare Gina in case of an emergency C-section, the doctor came and wrangled the baby from a breech position into one that was head down. After a bit of monitoring the wrangling was deemed a success. We ended up being sent back home with the baby in its newly adopted head-down position.
That evening I got emails about working on a grant. I was to come up on Thursday to work things out regarding it. Well, working things out with two bosses is usually tricky. I decided I had better check email the next morning. Unsurprisingly I got an urgent email suggesting that I needed to get up to Los Alamos to begin helping write a grant that, if funded, will settle the financial side of things until after I graduate. That's a big deal. Luckily, Gina's mom is in town so I felt like I could leave Gina in good hands. I went up there. Between four hours of commute time and meetings with two different individuals I spent the rest of my day pretty handily. I let myself forgo a page yesterday as well.
Recommitting and learning about freedom: But 4 hours gives you a lot of time to think about things. I started thinking about taking responsibility to make things happen. I thought about taking control of my life and what that means. One thing that it means is not letting myself off the hook so easily.
I can't make a lot of daily personal commitments. Responsibilities to family and employers are critical and I can't take up the whole day meeting internal commitments to the exclusion of external ones. But I can make some. And there is almost always enough space to stick to them. Daily writing is an experiment. I don't know that I'll stick with it for good. But I'm doing it now.
Today it seemed like the baby wasn't moving and we went to our appointment early to make sure things were okay. The baby was okay. But it was turned back to the breach position. But before the appointment I had finished the page for today.
Tomorrow we go in expecting to have the baby before Gina comes back out because no one wants to turn the baby again only to have it turn again. The appointment is for the afternoon and I have to work on the funding proposal in the morning. But I believe that if I don't let myself off the hook I will be able to write that page.
And maybe after enough pages of quality science . . . maybe then I'll graduate. We'll see. What matters for now is the process--not the destination.
He wasn't sure of all of what needed to be done but he did have one suggestion. He suggested that I start writing papers.
So I'm going to do that. I struggled for a bit to get going until Monday the 9th. At that point I committed to try an experiment, which would be to write one page of scientific article each weekday for one month. (Actually, the goal is a bit more complicated than that--after a point I can spend time on figures and referrences and formatting for submission instead of on writing pages.) And I did it every day that week, just by adopting the rule that I wouldn't do anything else (even check email etc.) until I had finished each day.
Not keeping it, and the excuses were sane: The next Monday (two days ago) Gina had to go to the hospital at 10:00. As far as we knew the most likely scenarios were C-section or induction and we would be parents that day or the next. Anyway, with the large event impending I decided the day before that I would forgo Monday's page. Gina prompted me and tried to help me write but since I had made the decision to let myself go I didn't write. After a lot of time spent doing little extras to prepare Gina in case of an emergency C-section, the doctor came and wrangled the baby from a breech position into one that was head down. After a bit of monitoring the wrangling was deemed a success. We ended up being sent back home with the baby in its newly adopted head-down position.
That evening I got emails about working on a grant. I was to come up on Thursday to work things out regarding it. Well, working things out with two bosses is usually tricky. I decided I had better check email the next morning. Unsurprisingly I got an urgent email suggesting that I needed to get up to Los Alamos to begin helping write a grant that, if funded, will settle the financial side of things until after I graduate. That's a big deal. Luckily, Gina's mom is in town so I felt like I could leave Gina in good hands. I went up there. Between four hours of commute time and meetings with two different individuals I spent the rest of my day pretty handily. I let myself forgo a page yesterday as well.
Recommitting and learning about freedom: But 4 hours gives you a lot of time to think about things. I started thinking about taking responsibility to make things happen. I thought about taking control of my life and what that means. One thing that it means is not letting myself off the hook so easily.
I can't make a lot of daily personal commitments. Responsibilities to family and employers are critical and I can't take up the whole day meeting internal commitments to the exclusion of external ones. But I can make some. And there is almost always enough space to stick to them. Daily writing is an experiment. I don't know that I'll stick with it for good. But I'm doing it now.
Today it seemed like the baby wasn't moving and we went to our appointment early to make sure things were okay. The baby was okay. But it was turned back to the breach position. But before the appointment I had finished the page for today.
Tomorrow we go in expecting to have the baby before Gina comes back out because no one wants to turn the baby again only to have it turn again. The appointment is for the afternoon and I have to work on the funding proposal in the morning. But I believe that if I don't let myself off the hook I will be able to write that page.
And maybe after enough pages of quality science . . . maybe then I'll graduate. We'll see. What matters for now is the process--not the destination.
posted by Douglas H. at 5:19 PM
1 Comments:
Doogie, you have a lot to do in your life. I'm lucky to remember to take my car into the car wash or remember to pick up my meds at Rite Aid on the way home from work. I like your advisor's advice. It will lead you in the right direction.
Well, sounds like I'll hear from you soon. Exciting.
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